I am really mad at God, tonight. I am mad at myself. I am anxious. Depressed. I am afraid.
I don’t understand why certain decisions are decisions I feel I am supposed to make. Maybe God knows something I don’t know. A lot of times certain scenarios seem harmless, and yet I do not settle down until I make a decision to refrain from them.
And I have no idea why.
Why can’t I play jazz with these people? I thought this was something you wanted me to do, Lord. I thought you gave me this passion. What is going on?
Maybe writing a blog will help me process it all out. I just have no idea what is going on with me and it drives me nuts. I want to cry, explode, run, and stay frozen all at once. I don’t understand how to function when I feel like I am not “allowed” to do something that I enjoy doing. God doesn’t take away gifts, but does He just perhaps provide better atmospheres to use them in?
So maybe it’s not optimal to play jazz where people serve alcohol. I just feel trapped thinking that it is only permissible for me to do music in church or obey every single thing that I think comes from God. It feels too regimented, rigid, constructed, limiting, and narrow.
But I am reminded of an analogy from my Bible Study teacher. In the town I live in, there are irrigated ditches in town that run through a lot of resident’s yards. It’s not that I am trapped, it is that God is setting a focused and safe course for whatever is coming up. She also expounded upon how it is better that I am not over-flooded.
I am not trapped. I am being guided to the better freedom.
Sometimes, restrictions are good. They don’t limit us. They prepare us.
God isn’t taking away anything. He’s navigating a way for me to be successful before my very eyes.
And here I am yelling at Him, wanting to ignore Him, and wanting to be left alone.
I am not trapped. I am being refined as a focused course is set before me in the better plan that God has for my life.