I look down at my half-eaten salad. A glaze phenomenon appears from the interaction of florescent light and balsamic vinegar upon the fresh sprigs of lettuce. I want to eat it. I really do. But my appetite is just not here, tonight.
Jazz music pours in from the nearby club, filling in the loneliness from my brother’s death. The things that used to bring me joy just don’t, anymore. A lot of the things that excite me were also things that excited Roman.
It’s like I’m living in a limbo of present and past. Nostalgia takes up most of my thoughts. I’m at work, but I’m not really. Likewise with classes, church, and band rehearsal. I honestly can’t say that I want to live. But if I give up, I’ll have made the stupid, selfish choice that he made.
He thought a world without himself would be more bearable. Yeah, he’s rejoicing in heaven, but what about my heart? My mother’s? My father’s? God, I hate it so much. I hate that people are willing to kill themselves in the midst of being so worthy of love and of being alive.
And here I choke on my own words. I should want to be alive, but I just want to be with my best friend.
“Why did you do this to me? Why did you leave me behind to face this world alone? Don’t you know that I still need you? Why did you leave?” And here comes another round of uncontrollable sobs.
My door opens, mom rushing in to comfort her shredded, rag doll of a daughter.
“Michelle, shh…” Mom says as she strokes my tangled hair. I continue to cry.
“Mom,” sniff “when will it end?”
“It still hurts me, too. He was my ‘little dude’”. She smiles in her little way. I give a sympathetic bend of the lips as my tears stop their flowing.
“Mom…I wish suicide didn’t exist. I wish it were something that could be murdered so that it would stop murdering others and infecting the hearts of those involved.” I lean away from her and against the wall, crossing my arms and turning my head up to think.
“Then be a voice. People need hope.” There she goes, turning up the inspiration just when I need it. And I give in.
“I’ll do something about it. And when I do, it will change the world.”