The brink

I feel as if I am at the brink, that place of juggling over which side of the fence I would like to be on. My heart feels like an emotional hurricane, a hot potato, a steaming dish from the oven, and I do not know what to do with it.

This is what happens when I invest too many emotions into a guy that do not necessarily get reciprocated back unto me. I am terrible at communicating a simple, “Hey, I like you. Can we get something to eat sometime?” It’s like I am wanting the guy to be the one to pursue me this time.

But it kills me. 

I already feel like I let one other person go because I was too afraid to let them know how I felt. Too afraid of rejection. Of loss. Too jealous of other girls until I got into this big emotional, internal mess that no one knew I was fighting except for myself.

It’s truly toxic, this game. Perhaps this person does enjoy me. And perhaps this person is good for me. Why am I afraid? Why should I stay in this pathetic state of sadness?

  1. My father wasn’t around a lot and I got really jealous when he was remarried.
  2. A teenage boy treated me how he shouldn’t have when I was 8.
  3. My older brother is very blunt, opinionated, and has said lots of things that hurt me growing up (but I know he loves me and we’re cool now!!).

So here’s my conclusion: I’ve grown up with a very unhealthy, skewed version of what the male relationship is like and so, when I want to get close, all hell breaks loose. When I fall for a guy, I fall fast and let my imagination create a person who isn’t even the person himself. I tend to want the emotional and physical rather than the “who the person actually is” part. I get so desperate to feel that love and satisfaction that I race to a finish line that only I know about.

Are there any other young women out there who can relate to this? It’s hard, mastering the heart.

There’s an odd belief in some circles of Christianity that the young woman just needs to wait, in purity, and that some great Christian guy will fall into her lap.

Bullcrap.

It’s God who forms us and shapes us into the men and women we need to be. You meet some people of the opposite gender. You get to know them. See who you are comparable with. Follow the peace in your heart.

I guess what I am realizing is that love is not some Fairytale magic formula that comes out of nowhere and hits you upside the head like a baseball bat.

Love is a process. It is a choice. It is a developmental section of a piece of music, working things out. Love is a not a puppy dog face with a bouquet of flowers.

Love isn’t even an emotion.

And I think that’s one of my problems. I am seeking emotional fulfillment rather than true, honest companionship.

Lord, please be a daddy, a brother, a lover, and a husband to all of us young, fragile women. Please guide us with your staff and voice and help us avoid those men that would only make things worse. Help us see beyond any façades, and help us avoid living in façades, as well. Help us develop into courageous, brave, strong, warrior-princesses, Lord. Give us the strength to rise up as beautiful daughters of the Living God! Help us to realize that we are not weak, nor frail, nor hopeless, nor in need of an imperfect human of the opposite gender to solve all of our problems.

In Jesus’ name. Amen.

I’m no longer at the brink of heartache.

I’m at the brink of loving without limits.

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