Somedays I wish I could exist outside of myself. Outside of my mind, outside of what stimulates it, and outside of how I process information that I intake.
Let me explain myself a little bit: I process visually. Meaning, my mind translates everything my senses experience into visual, mental imagery.
Anytime I hear something, my mind involuntarily produces a visual mental picture in my head. When I’m in a crowded room and people are talking, I see visual “white noise” in my head. When I’m trying to read a book, but one person is talking loud, the words on the page and the stimuli of a voice talking begin to dual in my mind.
I cannot control the way my mind processes information.
Sometimes it causes me to be clumsy. I may be pouring a drink and focusing on the position of my hand, and the liquid going into the cup. Then I may need to slightly turn to better position myself and accidentally jab my shin into the corner of something. It’s hard for me to be completely aware of all my external surroundings because, in my mental world, it’s like I process what’s right there. Right in front of me.
And it can feel almost impossible sometimes.
I notice more difficulty with it when I am in new environments. When I pack, it’s like I make a visual mental catalogue of everything that is with me. Where it is. Where it is packed. So this makes going through airport security and having to keep track of my boarding pass annoying. I have to re-catalogue the position of my boarding pass going from check-in, through security, until finally boarding the plane. And security can be annoying because I have to check off, “Ok Shoes. But I need to put my computer back in my case. But I also need to grab my shoes and put them on. Oh, and what about my necklace, too?” It’s like my mind is constantly needing to reorder details to feel oriented.
So if you’re with me and I take a bit longer than usual to get out of the car, this is why.
I’m not gonna say I don’t enjoy how I think. I can memorize things that I hear and read pretty easily. My mind can memorize numbers and catch onto patterns. I think it’s why music and languages come naturally. I also like putting things in order at work or whenever I’m in an environment where I have an influence.
Though I feel slower, and clumsier at times, I just need to decide to embrace how I process information and figure out methods to make it not so stressful.
I think I wrote this to help understand myself, better, but I also want to encourage you to not give up, no matter what you may be going through. If you’re like me and feel trapped inside of your head, remember to “stop”. Literally. It’s okay to be slower than someone else. Their impatience is not your issue. It’s theirs. And they can get over it.
Do what you need to do to take care of you, and don’t let someone else’s opinion tell you who you are. You are valuable. You matter. You are loved by a God of never-ending possibilities.
There just happens to be a superpower inside of you that no one else gets to experience.